Saturday, August 6, 2011

Handsome Paddy VS. The Angry Boyfriend: A True Cautionary Tale

Those who know me could probably guess I was bound to write a blog with this title eventually. I'm no saint. I've been known to cross other couples' relationship boundaries on more than one occasion. Maybe I have low self-esteem, maybe I don't respect other men as much as I should, or maybe I think if your girlfriend is interested in me, then that's a sign that your relationship is already over and I'm just the herald of its demise. But that's all irrelevant because that's not what happened this time.

It was late last Friday and I was casually flirting via text message with an aquaintance I hadn't seen in months and who I no longer lived within three states of. I had been a gentleman (this time) and explicitly asked if she was involved with anyone before the whole thing started. She insisted she was single and was actually a little offended I felt the need to ask. And when I say flirting, I mean this is a conversation I would have while gauging if someone was interested in me. We're talking PG-13 content at the very most. After awhile she stopped replying and I got bored. That's when, at 11:13pm, I received a text from a number I didn't recognize, but not just any text. It was the text that every bored smartass lives for:

"So who is this"

What followed was one of the most surreal conversations I have yet to have with a stranger, and I once talked about orchestras with a homeless man as he bathed himself in a drinking fountain at 2am. Sadly, I did not have the forethought to transcribe that conversation, but I did save this one. Below is, verbatim, the actual conversation I had over text message with an irate man I have never met, complete with color commentary by me and a few lessons to take from my experience. For the purposes of clarity, I will call the person in question Mystery Angry Boyfriend or MAB for short. Enjoy.

Mystery Angry Boyfriend: "So who is this"

Handsome Paddy: "This is Paddy, who's this?"

I'm not ashamed of who I am.

MAB: "U a guy or a girl there patty"

HP: "A guy. And it's Paddy."

Seriously, you literally just read how my name is spelled, how do you fuck that up?

MAB: "Hhmmmm txtin my girl all kids of sexual shit huh ima fuk u up"

This is pretty much exactly where I expected this conversation to be heading based on the previous two texts, so his threat lacked the gravitas he had perhaps hoped for.

HP: "I don't know who you are, but your manners need work. Also your spelling is atrocious."

Hey, he's already going to "fuk" me up, I might as well give him some harsh criticism while we're at it.

MAB: "Ya u dont kno me but soon u will il find ya ya my girl is asleep idgaf what u say but ive seen the txts"

HP: "Well tell her I said goodnight. And goodnight to you as well, stranger."

This guy's a prick who can't spell, if I wanted to deal with that I'd play Xbox Live, but there's no reason not to end things on a polite note. Or so I thought.

MAB: "Were kool if u dont try to hook up with my girl"

HP: "Well I can't really promise anything since I don't know who you are."

Remember, at this point MAB had neither told me who he was or who the girl he kept referring to was, and while I could have guessed, I'm not going to do his detective work for him. I don't work for free.

MAB: "It dosent matter r u n kingman"

HP: "You sure you wouldn't rather talk out some of these anger issues? Have some share time? Maybe a hug?"

MAB: "Na i wana kno what is goin on r u n kingman"

HP: "Why? Do you want to beat me up? Will that make you feel better?"

MAB: "I just wana kno what my girl is up to talkin about sex with another dude man thats all just b strait up with me"

HP: "I'm trying, but your texts are like, indecipherable."

MAB: "Then tell me dude r u n kingman and what is going on"

HP: "Oh, man! You were so close to a properly formatted sentence. A for effort though."

MAB: "Hmmmm im just forget her #"

For a split second I thought I had actually mocked this man into a massive psychological breakthrough and he'd decided to move on and figure his life out. But it turned out he's just really bad at typing.

MAB: "U just forget her #"

HP: "I'm not going to do that, but I'll tell you I will if it will make you feel better, if you promise to stop going through your ladyfriend's texts and allow her privacy. healthy relationships are built on trust dude."

This was the beginning of me trying to diffuse the situation by digging into my years of professional experience giving relationship advice and offering this man legitimately beneficial tips on his love life.

MAB: "True true u got a point just do me a favor and don't talk about sex to her she goes thru mine i dont go thru hers she had me put it on the charger and i seen a text from u its kool il talk to her n the mornin when she wakes up n my arms"

HP: "That sounds like a solid plan, sir."

See, it's totally cool that he's threatening someone he's never met after reading texts from her phone because she asked him to put it on the charger and she goes through his texts all the time! Clearly I have dared to jeopardize an otherwise healthy and happy relationship.

MAB: "She is the only woman ive ever loved and dont wana loose her thats y im tryin to stay calm bro"

MAB: "U sound polite tho sorry if i got the wrong impression just worried about sum shit"

HP: "I'm a worrier too. You want to talk about it?"

MAB: "Just tell me how u guys started talkin man idw to talk about her and i i just wana kno whats up man thats all i do tust her i just dont trust guys if ya kno what i mean guys r scandelous so just b honest with me im not tryin to threatin u i just wana kno thats all"

He almost spelled "scandalous" right! I had to fight the urge to tell him I was proud of him.

At this point it was now midnight. This conversation was now entering its second goddamn day and MAB had yet to use a single character of punctuation.

HP: "You make some good points, unfortunately I still don't know who you are, so I can't really give you much information."

MAB: "It dosent matter who i am bro im not sextin ur girl i just wana kno y u r with mine lets not play games lets just hear the truth thats all i ask"

HP: "I apologize. Perhaps I've been unclear. I don't know who you are, therefore I don't know who your 'girl' is, so I can't tell you anything about me and her. Also did you just say 'sexting' who are you Nancy Grace?"

I seriously hate the term "sexting." It's so trite. I prefer to call it "explicit free verse in 160 characters or less."

MAB: "Ya u do because u txted her back after i sent u a message bro"

This confirmed my suspicions that this guy was angry about the girl I had been flirting with just prior. After his first couple messages I had texted her and told her what was going on.

MAB: "U know what u aint worth my time il get to the bottom of it"

This is the first of many texts where MAB insists this conversation is beneath him, then immediately fires off another text when I don't respond.

MAB: "U obviously aint a man just a boy i guess"

This guy wants to have a stupid fight. I'm not going to have his fight. I'm going to have my fight, because my fight is awesome. So, instead of getting into his petty insults, I come clean and admit that I was apparently flirting with his girlfriend.

HP: "Well why didn't you just say so in the first place? Yeah, that's none of your business. I wish you the best, but this is really something you need to sort out with her. Maybe step back and look at why you want to be with her if it means having to have conversations like these with strangers."

Again, if you're playing along at home, this is actually me trying to give this poor, inarticulate man(?) some useful relationship advice. I've attempted to play fetch with cats and had more successful results.

MAB: "U coulda just been a man about it but u wana play games so im done here"

Alright, he got in one last zinger about me being a "man" but he's finally finished with his tantrum and is moving o--

MAB: "I thought ud b kool but hey i was wrong"

Fuck, he's still going. I'm not exactly sure what made him think I'd be "kool" since before this conversation all he knew about me was that I was flirting with his girlfriend. Maybe he just thinks really highly of her taste in men.

HP: "Which part would have made me a man, violating my friend's trust or pretending to know what you were talking about while you texted me gibberish mixed with idle threats?"

At this point I'm getting frustrated with this guy's pathetic attempts to be a dick to me, so I've gone back to chastising him for butchering the English language with every one of his keystrokes. Bizarrely, this actually had the opposite effect I'd expected.

MAB: "Hey if shes a friend then its all good and il b a man and say sorry but if u have a woman u love and u seen sumthin like that how would u react if i was wrong im sorry shes the love of my life man and about the threats my bad i was pissed at first im calmed down now but like i said if im wrong im sorry"

Mind you, I have yet to deny anything he's accused me of and have actually openly mocked him more than once. And he's already seen the texts of me flirting with his girlfriend, but by calling her a friend he is now totally cool with everything that has happened so far and actually apologizes not once, but four times (if you count the phrase "my bad" as a form of apology). I'm now beginning to suspect that I'm talking to a very strange breed of bipolar sufferer who rather than having manic and depressed moods, instead alternates wildly between rage and deep remorse.

HP: "I accept your apology. if situations were reversed, I would question whether my heart was leading me down the wrong path and I would ask myself whether it's good for me, as a person, to be with someone who I don't trust."

Again, this is real advice I would give to a friend in this situation.

MAB: "O i trust her i havent had a reason not to n over 2 months that we have been together just thought id ask u but u just wana play games il forget this ever happened"

To recap:
  • She is the first woman he has ever loved.
  • She is the love of his life.
  • They have been together for two fucking months.
It's at this point that I begin to worry that I am in fact talking to a mad man who might do something to harm himself or others based on my words. So I stop goading him and just try to get him to step away from the ledge a bit.

HP: "While I don't think that's the healthiest approach, I hope it works out for you."

MAB: "I didnt go thru her phone it poped up when i plugged it n"

HP: "You mentioned that, and it could be true. It's kind of a non-issue at this point."

MAB: "Im still gona question her but il forget i ever talked to u is what i meant u wont get any threats or nuthin anymore"

HP: "Well that is healthy, except for the "questioning" your girlfriend part. That makes it sound like you plan to interrogate her. Just talk with her. Open and honest communication is usually the best route."

MAB: "Well thanks for that ya as i said if im wrong if im right this wont last but il ask her about it when the time is right"

I doubt he meant it that way, but he kind of wrote a pretty good rap lyric there.

HP: "Best of luck to you. Have a goodnight."

MAB: "Hey thank u and same to u"

That's right, the conversation that began "ima fuk u up" has ended an hour and a half later with a polite thank you and a goodnight, without me ever apologizing or admitting any wrongdoing on my part. Either MAB just needed to get his frustrations out or I actually calmed down a possessive boyfriend to the point that he behaved with civility to someone he knows was flirting with his girlfriend mere hours ago. I'm like a douche-whisperer.

Unfunny Side Note:

Despite my jocularity while writing this, as I typed this post I was truly concerned for my friend's well-being. Maybe her boyfriend is harmless. Maybe he's a raging psycho. Maybe he's actually her little brother fucking with me. But before this post goes live I will do my best to make sure that she is, in fact, safe. Because as I will address more below, people do die over this shit and there's nothing funny about that.
Edit: Just heard from my friend. She's fine.

That said, there are several important lessons to be learned from this strange encounter.

First, if you spell like an idiot people will treat you as one.

Second, kill them with kindness can be a useful motto. Sure I gave MAB a hard time about his spelling and sent a few texts that were soaked in sarcasm and intended only to enrage him further, but ultimately I turned the situation around by not sinking down to his level by having an SMS-based screaming match over a girl I barely knew. I stayed calm and mostly polite and honest and actually tried to give him solid advice to think about and in the end he thanked me for it.

Third, this was essentially a flame war via text message and while it's debatable which one of us was trolling the other, things ended amicably because we were able to see where the other person was coming from and maintain some sembalance of civility. So the next time you're in some heated discussion about abortion, gay rights, light beer or what have you, remember that your opponent has thoughts and feelings behind their remarks. They may not be right and they may not be as gracious towards you but that's not the point.

I once found myself embroiled in a flame war where someone I personally knew and who had at one time been a comrade in activist circles outright called me a rapist on a Facebook comment feed based solely on my opinions on a news article. The content of the article is irrelevent because no matter how hard you try, you can never rape someone with an opinion. But he chose to invoke the feminist version of Godwin's Law after I had specifically stated that I had no problem disagreeing with him and was willing to remain civil about the whole thing. And you know what? After he called me a rapist, I stuck by that. I didn't back down, but I didn't let myself get caught up in the torrent of bile spewing either. If more people would agree to be respectful and agree to dissagree during debates that have no actual impact on the topics in question, we'd all be a lot happier and the world wouldn't suck quite so much.

Fourth, behind those texts was a real person with real emotions, and the things I said to him could have had real, and potentially very serious, consequences. I pushed his buttons but I recognized when to try to deescalate the situation for the sake of everyone involved. It was a stupid argument, but people rarely get killed over intelligent arguments. Every day people die over ridiculous shit because no one was willing to back down and say "Hey, this is silly. I'm not fighting anymore." Remember that the next time you're telling someone you hope they die in a car fire becuase they believe something different than you.

Fifth and finally, don't fuck with me or I will make fun of you on the internet, and that shit is forever.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Handsome Paddy News

I was just made a featured blogger on http://www.designedbyfailure.com/ a skate/punk clothing store. Check them out and visit my page and talk about how awesome I am, because I would do the same for you.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sky Mall Part Four, The Staggering Conclusion

We’ve nearly reached the end of our journey into the real
m where Sky meets Mall, but first we must look at a category of consumerism that, as baby-boomers are mercilessly ravaged by the cruel hand of time, becomes even more and more relevant.

Oh My God I Just Feel Like Crap All The Goddamn Time:

$9.95-$229.00

“Go Hard. Rest Easy.”

“The ionX TM Body Temperature Alert Patch is the only disposable temperature indicator that alerts the wearer if and when there's a danger of overheating.”

Because paying attention to your own symptoms of sunstroke is for poor people.

“It is a safe, dependable and proactive solution for active kids and adults.”

That’s all great, but I’d love to see what the dangerous, unreliable, passive-aggressive solutions look like.

“Heat-sensitive chemistry allows the patch to reflect the rise and fall of core body temperature.”

See kids, chemistry can be fun! Especially when it’s stuck to your face.

“When core temperature reaches dangerous levels, the patch changes from black to a safety yellow that is easily identifiable from a distance.”

“Core temperature reaches dangerous levels”? This isn’t Three Mile Island, this is a baby slow-roasting in Vitamin D while his parents watch for his timer to pop.

“At this point, users should refrain from activity until they have cooled to a non-risk temperature and the patch returns to its original black color.”

That is a much stranger sentence if one misreads “cooled” as “cooked” as I just did.

Is it weird that I’m hungry now?

$299.99


“Chase away stress with soothing sounds and enriched oxygen.”

Yes. Do that. More Xanax for me.

“Work, stress, drinking and environmental factors deplete our oxygen and affect our health.”

Which is weird, because I’ve been using drinking to deal with work, stress, and environmental factors.

“This device helps you feel rejuvenated and relaxed.”

And looking great doing it!

“Breathing 30% oxygen-enriched air from the included headset gives your body the clean, fresh oxygen it craves.”

30% oxygen, 70% bullshit.

“Soothing music provides the tranquility your mind needs.”

Fuck that. I want one that blasts the Dropkick Murphy’s. I’ve got shit to do.

“The Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar replenishes, renews and rejuvenates you down to the cell.”

That seems a little extreme for a first-timer. Can’t I be rejuvenated down to a complex carbohydrate or chunk of sinew first?

“Headset delivers oxygen for easy concentrated inhalation.”

Yeah, just inhale that oxygen. Fatty.

“No replacement parts needed.”

Thank God, where would I ever find plastic tubing and a can of compressed air?

$19.99


“Rest well with ‘Releaf!’”

But learn to spell with “Night Classes!”

“The lightweight and compact Releaf Neck Rest allows for easy travel as compared to a bulky neck pillow, while offering greater all-around support for your head.”

Finally! I am so sick of lugging this fucker around.

“Unlike a U-shaped pillow that allows your head to flop forward, the new patented Releaf Neck Rest is an ergonomically designed neck rest that holds your head and neck in an upright and comfortable position.”

Upright and comfortable should never be that close to each other in a sentence.

“Great for many everyday situations -- traveling, working on the computer, sleeping upright, reading and watching TV.”

Sleeping upright? Who sleeps upright everyday?

I stand corrected.

“Enjoy restful comfort relaxing or working.”

Or while struggling to sleep bolt upright.

“Easily fits into a purse, briefcase or pocket.”

Is your neck sore or are you just happy to see me?

I’m going to guess the former.

$49.95

I call bullshit. That’s just a model that fucked up putting on the Releaf Neck Rest and they decided to run with it.

“Developed by a neurologist,”

And neurologists never make up retarded shit for money.

“(T)his head wrap helps relieve headaches naturally, eliminating the need for medications.”

Medications for headaches at least. There is no head wrap for lowering your blood pressure. Yet.

“A study published by the Archives of Family Medicine proved that the head wrap alleviated migraine and tension headaches in 87% of patients."

Yes, the Archives of Family Medicine. Check out their most recent article, titled: “We Swear To God We’re A Real Medical Journal, We’re Published By The AMA For God’s Sake. Why Do People Keep Asking Us This?”

“The unit straps comfortably to your head and provides a soothing, consistent pressure that gently compresses blood vessels to help relieve migraines.”

It squeezes your head. It’s basically like trying to cram your skull into a baby’s sunhat. They did a study on this.

“It comes with three reusable gel packs that can be heated or frozen and inserted into the headband to provide relief from throbbing pain. Heat therapy relaxes tense muscles and the cold treatment cools and constricts blood vessels, helping to alleviate tension headaches. The headband is insulated to retain heat and cold and its adjustable strap and Velcro strap keep it in place.”

But please be careful. If you heat one side and freeze the other your head will explode!

“One size fits all.”

In that no matter what your head size it will still be crushed like a watermelon at a Gallagher show.

Science.

$59.95


“This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to 2' away.”

Thank God, up until now I’ve been disposing of bugs with a crossbow from across the room.

“Zing, motherfucker!”

“Flies, bees, spiders, and other insects are suctioned by a 22,400-rpm motor, sending the insect through a one-way valve in the extension tube to an electric grid in the handle that instantly kills the pest.”

I’m pretty sure the Khmer Rouge had a human-sized one of these just for people with eyeglasses (too soon? Yeah, I thought so).

“The extension tube removes to place dead bugs in the garbage, shutting off the electric grid in the process to protect curious fingers from electrical shocks or burns.”

Maybe electrical shocks and burns are the only way curious fingers learn.

“Without the use of toxic chemicals or vacuum bags that can serve as breeding grounds, this handheld device has an extendable nozzle to reach insects in high ceilings while the flexible rubber suction cup compresses to fit in tight corners, and the lightweight plastic design allows complete control while chasing flying insects.”

I want to see a video of someone racing around their living room, swinging this thing and all of it’s extensions wildly about the room while the fly they’re chasing buzzes quietly. That would make me happy.

You can never be too careful.

$49.95


“This pair of gloves stimulates blood circulation in the hands, promoting relief from arthritic pain while you perform your daily routine or while you sleep.”

I added spikes to mine so no one would make fun of my stupid arthritis gloves.

“The gloves exert a gentle compression and are lined with a patented material that facilitates blood flow throughout the hands to reduce swelling, improve the mobility of joints and ligaments, and help relieve arthritic pain.”

So they’re just tight gloves is what you’re saying.

“A study by the University of Technology in Sydney, Australia showed the gloves provided ‘considerable relief’ or ‘total relief’ of pain in 83% of patients.”

Because when you think medical breakthroughs, you think Sydney, Australia.

Tenured Professor of Radiology Dr. Dundee

“The gloves wick away moisture and allow hands to breathe to ensure comfort during extended wear.”

An audible squish when moving one’s hand is an expected side-effect.

“The gloves leave your fingertips exposed and are made from a flexible material, allowing you to grasp objects or dial a phone while maintaining tactility.”

But will I be able to play the piano?

$129.99

The difference between lumbar support device and
sex furniture is whatever SkyMall says it is.

$99.00-$119.00


“PowerLung is an easy to use, hand-held product proven by independent clinical studies to increase lung capacity and improve your breathing so you can race faster, dive deeper, perform longer, exercise easier, and, overall, breathe better.”

All while making you look like you’re complying with a court mandated breathalyzer test.

“PowerLung is right for you whether your goal is to improve your competition edge, expand your performance range and projection, get more enjoyment from practice, workouts or weekend athletics, or simply enjoy afternoons with the kids.”

Better enjoy afternoons with the kids by huffing!

“What makes PowerLung different from the other products?”

The other artificial lung you stick in your mouth products?

“The most important difference is PowerLung is the ONLY product available that will improve the muscles that support your lungs for both INHALING and EXHALING all in the same breath.”

You’ll be just like Kenny G. And who doesn’t want to be just like Kenny G?

“Breathing Training for Exercise & Active Lifestyles
Low Resistance
Color: Yellow
PowerLung Trainer”

The equivalent of having Dizzy Gillespie blow directly into your mouth.

“Breathing Training for Fitness & Training Activities
Medium Resistance
Color: Green
PowerLung Sport”

Similar to sticking your head out of a moving bus with your mouth open.

“Breathing Training for Top Performance & Competitive Athletes
High Resistance
Color: Blue”

Like wrapping your lips around a 747 jet exhaust.


Your lungs exploding means it’s working.

$59.99


“Feel refreshed, even after hours of sitting with BackJoy Core Plus!”

Finally, relief from the exhaustion of sitting.

“Revolutionary, easy to use and portable, the BackJoy helps prevent back pain while you sit. The patented cupping system(…)”

*Giggle*

“(…)cradles the 4" to 5" space around the two sitting bones at the pelvis base, allowing the spine to "float" in protective cushioning, rather than sinking uncomfortably and putting painful pressure on your back. The result--better posture and improved comfort in any seat... anywhere you go!”

My cousin died from Floating Spine Syndrome, you bastards!

“Imported.”

Because so help me God, domestic lumbar support is not good enough for my ass.

And on that note we’re going to wrap up our strange, wonderful, and economically depressing venture betwixt the pages of SkyMall. Join me next time when I will continue making fun of things that are successful, while desperately hoping to one day achieve the very success I mock. Food for thought, kids.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sky Mall Part Three: Because I Need More Shit

As I began to explain in parts one and two, Sky Mall knows its target market; people bored with life and wealthy enough to buy overpriced shit they don’t need, but not so bored or wealthy that they go totally over-the-top and start gold-plating their plumbing fixtures and inventing new dog breeds.

Not the ideal Sky Mall customer, but close.

Which brings us to décor, where people with more money than taste, and more time to kill before their flight to Denver lands than money, decorate their homes, gardens, and curtilage with a mix of wonder, whimsy, and what-the-fuckery.

The trifecta that has made Japan what it is today.

$129.99 - $349.99

Didn’t a bunch of apes find one of these in 2001: A Space Odyssey?

From the item description:
“Store over 2,250 CDs and DVDs in the world's largest capacity storage towers.”

I’d like to hope that by the time I have more DVDs than children in the Third World have grains of rice, I’ll at least have a sweet underground vault or something to keep them in.

To keep the DVDs in, not the Third World children. Although…

“Display your favorite movies and music proudly with these handsome bookcases.”

If by “handsome” you mean “pants-shittingly gigantic.”

“Wall-hugging slim cabinet design with stylish crown molding easily fits in your living room or family room.”

If your family room has the same seating capacity as the average-size multiplex.

“Generously sized 24"W x 6"D shelves are fully adjustable and hold all your media.”

That’s a typo, that should say “the.” All the media. All of it.

“Assembly required.”

Hope you’ve got a village of Amish on hand.

They're big shelves is what I'm trying to say.

$149.95


So you can clearly explain toy our child exactly where you had the maid deported to.

$69.50


I hope SkyMall also has a special saw so I can cut the stand off my computer monitor and carry it around with me.

$39.99-$49.99


Here’s how I imagine this was created:

SkyMall Editor: Dammit, we’re short one item for the spring edition and the deadline is in ten minutes. What’ve you got?

SkyMall Writer: Umm…How about we turn this bench on its side and call it a table?

SkyMall Editor: Fantastic! I’ll be at the bar.

Brilliant!

$24.95


This is a resin face that attaches to any tree, appearing to give the foliage a red-eyed, menacing glare; its mouth constantly pursed in a silent whisper. It’s perfect for the outdoors enthusiast who happens to also want his or her children to grow up to wet themselves at the sight of a tree.


19.95-29.95


There should be more exclusive, catalogue-only statuary that also enables alcoholism. It’s really an underfed market.

$69.95 - $89.95

From the item description:

“Effective under any pillowcase,”

Unlike every other pillow ever sold.

“(T)his is the pillow that actively regulates your head's and face's temperature, creating an optimal sleeping climate by preventing overheating.”

Finally!

“It uses a fabric developed for NASA to help astronauts adapt to extreme temperature fluctuations.”

Yes, the extreme temperature fluctuations…in space.

“It absorbs excess heat from you when you are hot, ensuring a comfortable pillow temperature every time you use it.”

I don’t want my pillow absorbing anything from my body but the tears I cry into it every night. And my pillow already does that just fine.

$29.99-$34.99

Just straight up fucking with your dog has never been more fun!

“Tired of kids and pet claw marks ruining your mesh screen door? Our replacement screen door kit is the perfect solution.”

A screen door kit that will adopt my kids and pets and give me my life back? I’m in!

“Replace your ripped or sagging screen (…)”

Who told you about my sagging screen?

“(…) with the flexible mesh screen that's tough enough to resist tearing, sagging and constant impact (…)”

Really? “Constant Impact?” Where is this going to be used, on the gates of Helm‘s Deep?

“Imagine a replacement screen door that just bounces back into shape after kids and pets hurry to get out doors.”

I’d rather imagine that my genes don’t produce offspring that run headlong into doors.

“Our flexible mesh screen is perfect for windows, screen doors and patio doors.”

Great, I’ll do the whole house!

“Well Susie, I’ll play catch with you, if you can find a way outside. Bahahaha, that’s what I thought! Keep trying kid, I’ll be at the bar.”

That's all for now. Come back next time when I'll wrap-up this series with our final category, and where Sky Mall attempts to cure all that ails ye. There will probably be lasers.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Sky Mall Part Two: My Pets Have Unusually High Expectations

As Part One should have shown you, Sky Mall has discovered that at normal cruising altitude, people lose their fucking minds. They’ll believe that lasers can regrow hair, remove unwanted hair, and give their aching muscles a soothing massage, with happy ending.
Does the same loss of reason apply to pet owners? Oh dear God, yes.




Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System
$49.99






“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids”

“Most people” is a popular catch-all in advertising-speak because, as most people are aware, most people are fucking idiots. But I’m sure you’re one of the special ones that can make your cat go against all of its natural instincts and perch its ass over a toilet bowl.

“The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good.”

Yeah, fuck that shit!

“With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less."



Gnomish, Elven, and Orc toilets may take longer.

“The age or weight of your cat doesn't matter”






If you say so, Sky Mall.

“(A)nd it works in multiple cat households too.”

Because nothing adds to that first pee of the morning like having to get in line behind my six cats*

*I like cats.





“This award-winning product has proved itself effective for years, and has been recommended by vets.”





After Jimmy got back from ‘Nam he just wasn’t the same. He’d couldn't hold down a job, he’d get all tense and freak out when he heard a car backfire, and he just started recommending cat toilet-training videos all over the place. He was a mess.

“Enjoy a cleaner home and say good-bye to the litter box forever.
Includes step-by-step training DVD.”

Ok, I might be able to train my cat to use a toilet, but there is no way I can get him to watch an entire training DVD. That's just ridiculous.

Litter Robots
$294.99 - $314.99


Now your cat can finally live out its fantasy of crapping in a diving helmet. FINALLY.

Dog Orthopedic Comfy Couch
$79.95-$169.95


“Our best-in-class Comfy Pet Couch is crafted as well as sofas designed for people.
Ultra-plush, this pet couch offers unsurpassed support that ordinary dog beds can't match. We'll even toss in a bone pillow. Now that's a treat any dog would love!”

Because your dog could give a shit.

Six-Panel Pet Gate/Crate
$299.99



Because your dog needs to know that while he’s not allowed in the living room, the neighborhood he lives in is still extremely gentrified.

And when he’s bad…


…show him what doggie white collar prison would be like. Because normal dog pens are for poor, black dogs.

Hidden Litter Box
$89.95-$169.95



Hide it all you want, people are still going to wonder why your eucalyptus plant smells like cat shit.

Kitty Washroom Cabinet
$99.95




Clearly 90% of Sky Mall’s pet products are devoted to hiding scat. To the people that order these products I have this to say: Maybe if being confronted with the biological necessities of animals bothers you so much, pets aren’t for you; you pretentious, over-monied, WASPy, suburban gated-community dwelling fucksticks.

*Phew*

Come back next time for more light-hearted gentle-prodding at useless, over-priced merchandise that’s sold for hundreds of dollars while people are starving to death in the very country the products are made. The topic will be décor!