As Part One should have shown you, Sky Mall has discovered that at normal cruising altitude, people lose their fucking minds. They’ll believe that lasers can regrow hair, remove unwanted hair, and give their aching muscles a soothing massage, with happy ending.
Does the same loss of reason apply to pet owners? Oh dear God, yes.
Does the same loss of reason apply to pet owners? Oh dear God, yes.
Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System
$49.99
“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids”
“Most people” is a popular catch-all in advertising-speak because, as most people are aware, most people are fucking idiots. But I’m sure you’re one of the special ones that can make your cat go against all of its natural instincts and perch its ass over a toilet bowl.
“The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good.”
Yeah, fuck that shit!
“With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less."
Gnomish, Elven, and Orc toilets may take longer.
“The age or weight of your cat doesn't matter”
“The age or weight of your cat doesn't matter”
If you say so, Sky Mall.
“(A)nd it works in multiple cat households too.”
Because nothing adds to that first pee of the morning like having to get in line behind my six cats*
*I like cats.
“This award-winning product has proved itself effective for years, and has been recommended by vets.”
After Jimmy got back from ‘Nam he just wasn’t the same. He’d couldn't hold down a job, he’d get all tense and freak out when he heard a car backfire, and he just started recommending cat toilet-training videos all over the place. He was a mess.“Enjoy a cleaner home and say good-bye to the litter box forever.
Includes step-by-step training DVD.”
Ok, I might be able to train my cat to use a toilet, but there is no way I can get him to watch an entire training DVD. That's just ridiculous.
Litter Robots
$294.99 - $314.99
Now your cat can finally live out its fantasy of crapping in a diving helmet. FINALLY.
Dog Orthopedic Comfy Couch
$79.95-$169.95
“Our best-in-class Comfy Pet Couch is crafted as well as sofas designed for people.
Ultra-plush, this pet couch offers unsurpassed support that ordinary dog beds can't match. We'll even toss in a bone pillow. Now that's a treat any dog would love!”
Because your dog could give a shit.
Six-Panel Pet Gate/Crate
$299.99
Because your dog needs to know that while he’s not allowed in the living room, the neighborhood he lives in is still extremely gentrified.
And when he’s bad…
…show him what doggie white collar prison would be like. Because normal dog pens are for poor, black dogs.
Hidden Litter Box
$89.95-$169.95
Hide it all you want, people are still going to wonder why your eucalyptus plant smells like cat shit.
Kitty Washroom Cabinet
$99.95
Clearly 90% of Sky Mall’s pet products are devoted to hiding scat. To the people that order these products I have this to say: Maybe if being confronted with the biological necessities of animals bothers you so much, pets aren’t for you; you pretentious, over-monied, WASPy, suburban gated-community dwelling fucksticks.
*Phew*
Come back next time for more light-hearted gentle-prodding at useless, over-priced merchandise that’s sold for hundreds of dollars while people are starving to death in the very country the products are made. The topic will be décor!
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