Handsome Paddy's Thoughts on Things: March 2011

If there are two things that define me as a person they are my love for the trappings of Victorian-era fashion and my daily requirement of large doses of psychotropic medications.

Like this, but with a monocle and a top hat.

As such, it only seemed natural to synergize my two interests/crippling addictions by creating something that was at one time shiny 19th-century bauble and minor narcotic smuggling apparatus. The following step-by-step guide is the result. Enjoy.

Tools:

The tools for this project are fairly simple and easy to obtain.

Pocket watch:

Any pocket watch will do. It doesn’t have to function because we’ll be taking out all the innards anyway and, frankly, with the amount of pills we’ll be on once this project is finished, time will cease to have any meaning to you. I bought this particular watch for $12 at Wal-Mart. Because I’m classy.

Medium-Sized Flathead Screwdriver:

Technically these are called “slotted screwdrivers” but what is this, Tool Time?

Teensy-Weensy Flathead Screwdriver:

This is to remove the tiny screws you’ll find inside the watch. Somewhere in my many adventures I came into possession of a jeweler’s screwdriver, which is what you see pictured above. If your background and/or kleptomania is not as eclectic as mine you can try the screwdrivers in eyeglass repair kits. If in dire strait’s you should be able to make due with the tip of a sharp knife.

Super Glue:

If you thought there was going to be any careful reassembling of everything so it fit together nicely, then, boy, you do not know Handsome Paddy. We’re gonna be gluing this shit back together when we’re done and you're gonna like it.

Crowbar:

This should be kept nearby during any jewelry-based endeavour just in case the whole project goes to fuck all and you need to take out your rage and destry the evidence. I speak from experience.

Mother. Fuckers.

Step One:

First of all, if you purchased the watch new and it has a shiny finish, it should have a protective film over the front to prevent it from being scratched in the store. Leave this on for now just in case.

Now, the seal on the back case of the watch should have a small slot, highlighted below:

This is on all watches for exactly this purpose; so that the inside of the watch can be accessed to change the battery. Usually a jeweler would do this with the utmost care and delicacy. We’ll be jamming a screwdriver in there and disemboweling the fucker.

Step Two:

Insert the screwdriver in the slot on the back of the watch. You just need to get it in there enough to pry it open, which shouldn’t take much force.

The back of the watch should now pop off with a just a little tension.

Step Three:

This is what the inside of my watch looked like, because it’s a cheap piece of Chinese sweatshop shit. The inside of your watch may vary.

After I popped out what I assume to be some sort of plastic buffer, you can more clearly see the complex inner workings of the watch. Within this small space is a complex ballet of machinery, largely unchanged since the advent of the motor car and perfect to every detail. These pieces are all completely useless to us in this project.

Using the smaller screwdriver you’ll have to remove each screw one by one to remove various arms and levers that operate the intricate and, again for our purposes, completely useless inner workings.

Once you’ve removed all the inner workings this is what you should be left with. Note the broken plastic pieces to the far right. I couldn’t figure out any way to get them out in one piece so I snapped them into smaller pieces with needle nose pliers until they came out. Don’t you judge me.

At this point you should be left with the shell of your watch, including a pin extending about halfway inside, originating from the crown of the watch which is normally used for setting the time and, more importantly for us, has the button that releases the front cover.

Note that at this point the glass cover of the watch face is still attached. Note also that immediately after taking this photo I accidentally poked myself in the eye.

After suffering a grievous ocular injury of your own, you can now remove the glass cover.

Step Four:

A gentle twist and pull should remove the crown and stabby-bit, which you should then be able to snap off from the crown and cast into the Depths of Hell where the sharp little fucker belongs.

Step Five:

Now you want to carefully apply glue JUST to where the crown itself sits. The crown is the part that you normally turn to set the time on the watch, so for our purposes it’s the safest thing to glue in place. Make sure you only put glue where it will touch the crown itself. If you get glue on the button or the shaft of the crown the latch on the front cover won’t operate properly and you’ll have to remove the whole thing, clean all the glue off and try again.

Step Six:

Now slide the crown into place, twisting it a few times to ensure even distribution of glue, and leave to set.

Waiting for the glue to set is always the most boring part of any project. Luckily, if you’re using the right kind of glue in a poorly-ventilated area this time should pass quite quickly.

There it is.

Woooooaaaaaahhhhh.

Ohh, the colors!

…And we’re back!

Once you’ve regained your faculties and located your pants (mine were in the freezer), enough time should have passed that you can now check to see if the glue has set.

Step Seven:

Ideally the crown should be firmly in place and pressing down on the button should release the latch, opening the watch. The latch itself may stick in the open position at first, but you can click it back into place with your thumbnail to close the cover and after regular use this should no longer be a problem. If the release button itself sticks, or doesn’t move at all, then you done fucked up. You’ll have to place some kind of cloth over the crown and give it a strong twist with a pair of pliers to break the glue’s seal and remove the whole crown assembly, sand off all the glue and repeat from Step Five.

Step Eight: