Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sky Mall Part Four, The Staggering Conclusion

We’ve nearly reached the end of our journey into the real
m where Sky meets Mall, but first we must look at a category of consumerism that, as baby-boomers are mercilessly ravaged by the cruel hand of time, becomes even more and more relevant.

Oh My God I Just Feel Like Crap All The Goddamn Time:

$9.95-$229.00

“Go Hard. Rest Easy.”

“The ionX TM Body Temperature Alert Patch is the only disposable temperature indicator that alerts the wearer if and when there's a danger of overheating.”

Because paying attention to your own symptoms of sunstroke is for poor people.

“It is a safe, dependable and proactive solution for active kids and adults.”

That’s all great, but I’d love to see what the dangerous, unreliable, passive-aggressive solutions look like.

“Heat-sensitive chemistry allows the patch to reflect the rise and fall of core body temperature.”

See kids, chemistry can be fun! Especially when it’s stuck to your face.

“When core temperature reaches dangerous levels, the patch changes from black to a safety yellow that is easily identifiable from a distance.”

“Core temperature reaches dangerous levels”? This isn’t Three Mile Island, this is a baby slow-roasting in Vitamin D while his parents watch for his timer to pop.

“At this point, users should refrain from activity until they have cooled to a non-risk temperature and the patch returns to its original black color.”

That is a much stranger sentence if one misreads “cooled” as “cooked” as I just did.

Is it weird that I’m hungry now?

$299.99


“Chase away stress with soothing sounds and enriched oxygen.”

Yes. Do that. More Xanax for me.

“Work, stress, drinking and environmental factors deplete our oxygen and affect our health.”

Which is weird, because I’ve been using drinking to deal with work, stress, and environmental factors.

“This device helps you feel rejuvenated and relaxed.”

And looking great doing it!

“Breathing 30% oxygen-enriched air from the included headset gives your body the clean, fresh oxygen it craves.”

30% oxygen, 70% bullshit.

“Soothing music provides the tranquility your mind needs.”

Fuck that. I want one that blasts the Dropkick Murphy’s. I’ve got shit to do.

“The Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar replenishes, renews and rejuvenates you down to the cell.”

That seems a little extreme for a first-timer. Can’t I be rejuvenated down to a complex carbohydrate or chunk of sinew first?

“Headset delivers oxygen for easy concentrated inhalation.”

Yeah, just inhale that oxygen. Fatty.

“No replacement parts needed.”

Thank God, where would I ever find plastic tubing and a can of compressed air?

$19.99


“Rest well with ‘Releaf!’”

But learn to spell with “Night Classes!”

“The lightweight and compact Releaf Neck Rest allows for easy travel as compared to a bulky neck pillow, while offering greater all-around support for your head.”

Finally! I am so sick of lugging this fucker around.

“Unlike a U-shaped pillow that allows your head to flop forward, the new patented Releaf Neck Rest is an ergonomically designed neck rest that holds your head and neck in an upright and comfortable position.”

Upright and comfortable should never be that close to each other in a sentence.

“Great for many everyday situations -- traveling, working on the computer, sleeping upright, reading and watching TV.”

Sleeping upright? Who sleeps upright everyday?

I stand corrected.

“Enjoy restful comfort relaxing or working.”

Or while struggling to sleep bolt upright.

“Easily fits into a purse, briefcase or pocket.”

Is your neck sore or are you just happy to see me?

I’m going to guess the former.

$49.95

I call bullshit. That’s just a model that fucked up putting on the Releaf Neck Rest and they decided to run with it.

“Developed by a neurologist,”

And neurologists never make up retarded shit for money.

“(T)his head wrap helps relieve headaches naturally, eliminating the need for medications.”

Medications for headaches at least. There is no head wrap for lowering your blood pressure. Yet.

“A study published by the Archives of Family Medicine proved that the head wrap alleviated migraine and tension headaches in 87% of patients."

Yes, the Archives of Family Medicine. Check out their most recent article, titled: “We Swear To God We’re A Real Medical Journal, We’re Published By The AMA For God’s Sake. Why Do People Keep Asking Us This?”

“The unit straps comfortably to your head and provides a soothing, consistent pressure that gently compresses blood vessels to help relieve migraines.”

It squeezes your head. It’s basically like trying to cram your skull into a baby’s sunhat. They did a study on this.

“It comes with three reusable gel packs that can be heated or frozen and inserted into the headband to provide relief from throbbing pain. Heat therapy relaxes tense muscles and the cold treatment cools and constricts blood vessels, helping to alleviate tension headaches. The headband is insulated to retain heat and cold and its adjustable strap and Velcro strap keep it in place.”

But please be careful. If you heat one side and freeze the other your head will explode!

“One size fits all.”

In that no matter what your head size it will still be crushed like a watermelon at a Gallagher show.

Science.

$59.95


“This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to 2' away.”

Thank God, up until now I’ve been disposing of bugs with a crossbow from across the room.

“Zing, motherfucker!”

“Flies, bees, spiders, and other insects are suctioned by a 22,400-rpm motor, sending the insect through a one-way valve in the extension tube to an electric grid in the handle that instantly kills the pest.”

I’m pretty sure the Khmer Rouge had a human-sized one of these just for people with eyeglasses (too soon? Yeah, I thought so).

“The extension tube removes to place dead bugs in the garbage, shutting off the electric grid in the process to protect curious fingers from electrical shocks or burns.”

Maybe electrical shocks and burns are the only way curious fingers learn.

“Without the use of toxic chemicals or vacuum bags that can serve as breeding grounds, this handheld device has an extendable nozzle to reach insects in high ceilings while the flexible rubber suction cup compresses to fit in tight corners, and the lightweight plastic design allows complete control while chasing flying insects.”

I want to see a video of someone racing around their living room, swinging this thing and all of it’s extensions wildly about the room while the fly they’re chasing buzzes quietly. That would make me happy.

You can never be too careful.

$49.95


“This pair of gloves stimulates blood circulation in the hands, promoting relief from arthritic pain while you perform your daily routine or while you sleep.”

I added spikes to mine so no one would make fun of my stupid arthritis gloves.

“The gloves exert a gentle compression and are lined with a patented material that facilitates blood flow throughout the hands to reduce swelling, improve the mobility of joints and ligaments, and help relieve arthritic pain.”

So they’re just tight gloves is what you’re saying.

“A study by the University of Technology in Sydney, Australia showed the gloves provided ‘considerable relief’ or ‘total relief’ of pain in 83% of patients.”

Because when you think medical breakthroughs, you think Sydney, Australia.

Tenured Professor of Radiology Dr. Dundee

“The gloves wick away moisture and allow hands to breathe to ensure comfort during extended wear.”

An audible squish when moving one’s hand is an expected side-effect.

“The gloves leave your fingertips exposed and are made from a flexible material, allowing you to grasp objects or dial a phone while maintaining tactility.”

But will I be able to play the piano?

$129.99

The difference between lumbar support device and
sex furniture is whatever SkyMall says it is.

$99.00-$119.00


“PowerLung is an easy to use, hand-held product proven by independent clinical studies to increase lung capacity and improve your breathing so you can race faster, dive deeper, perform longer, exercise easier, and, overall, breathe better.”

All while making you look like you’re complying with a court mandated breathalyzer test.

“PowerLung is right for you whether your goal is to improve your competition edge, expand your performance range and projection, get more enjoyment from practice, workouts or weekend athletics, or simply enjoy afternoons with the kids.”

Better enjoy afternoons with the kids by huffing!

“What makes PowerLung different from the other products?”

The other artificial lung you stick in your mouth products?

“The most important difference is PowerLung is the ONLY product available that will improve the muscles that support your lungs for both INHALING and EXHALING all in the same breath.”

You’ll be just like Kenny G. And who doesn’t want to be just like Kenny G?

“Breathing Training for Exercise & Active Lifestyles
Low Resistance
Color: Yellow
PowerLung Trainer”

The equivalent of having Dizzy Gillespie blow directly into your mouth.

“Breathing Training for Fitness & Training Activities
Medium Resistance
Color: Green
PowerLung Sport”

Similar to sticking your head out of a moving bus with your mouth open.

“Breathing Training for Top Performance & Competitive Athletes
High Resistance
Color: Blue”

Like wrapping your lips around a 747 jet exhaust.


Your lungs exploding means it’s working.

$59.99


“Feel refreshed, even after hours of sitting with BackJoy Core Plus!”

Finally, relief from the exhaustion of sitting.

“Revolutionary, easy to use and portable, the BackJoy helps prevent back pain while you sit. The patented cupping system(…)”

*Giggle*

“(…)cradles the 4" to 5" space around the two sitting bones at the pelvis base, allowing the spine to "float" in protective cushioning, rather than sinking uncomfortably and putting painful pressure on your back. The result--better posture and improved comfort in any seat... anywhere you go!”

My cousin died from Floating Spine Syndrome, you bastards!

“Imported.”

Because so help me God, domestic lumbar support is not good enough for my ass.

And on that note we’re going to wrap up our strange, wonderful, and economically depressing venture betwixt the pages of SkyMall. Join me next time when I will continue making fun of things that are successful, while desperately hoping to one day achieve the very success I mock. Food for thought, kids.