An Open Letter to Hollywood: Part 1

Dear Hollywood,

Have you been getting my letters? They’re the ones written in blood. No? I didn’t think so. See, I keep writing you, trying to get you to stop sucking. So far it isn’t working. Despite my protests you continue to release films so terrible I routinely choose not to see them FOR FREE.

You see, I’m a member of a pool of unpaid movie reviewers for the local paper. Every week the paper picks a new theatrical release and sends out a mass e-mail to all the reviewers. Whoever replies to the e-mail first gets two free tickets to the show and 300 words to say what they want about the movie. There’s also a password involved. It’s pretty sweet.

Frequently I have my Gmail page open when the e-mail goes out, so usually I have the option of replying before anyone else and getting the movie. But for the past six weeks I’ve gotten the e-mail, made a mental note of “Meh,” deleted it and gone back to reloading my Facebook feed.

“Review Knight and Day? Pffft, my time is too valuable.”

Let me restate that, just in case you’re not getting the full impact of what I’m saying. I love movies so much I’ve spent countless hours writing about them on the internet, for an honest-to-God newspaper, and, on more than one occasion, for term papers in college. And I studied Criminology; I love movies enough to risk infuriating an instructor, whose day job is federal prosecutor, because my paper on judicial procedure is really just a thinly-veiled analysis of The Devil’s Advocate.

“Under these circumstances I would have filed for a writ of habeas corpus on the grounds that opposing council violated the rules of disclosure by failing to notify the court that he was Satan.”

I love movies this much, Hollywood, and for seven weeks I have intentionally not seen your films, for free, because the prospect of actually sitting through them is so distasteful.

So, as a service to you, I’m going to spend some time explaining why I’ve been passing up your most recent efforts. Hopefully, you’ll learn something and if not, at least there’ll be a written record of my motives when I one day fire Shia LaBeouf into the Sun.

I hope you like being burned alive as much as you seem to enjoy making shitty movies, fucker.

Marmaduke

Actual Tagline: “Live Large.”
Implied Tagline: “Yeah, We’re Not Even Trying.”

I generally refuse to review children’s movies since I lie so far outside of their target demographic, but calling Marmaduke a children’s movie is an insult to children everywhere. Hell, calling Marmaduke a “CGI Great Dane movie” is an insult to the comparatively subtle and nuanced oeuvre of Scooby-Doo.

The only film to ever have its artistic integrity actually strengthened from a cameo by Mark McGrath.

I refused to see Marmaduke for far better reasons than just that its target audience is primarily impressed by bright colors and fart noises. I chose not to see it because there is absolutely no reason for a Marmaduke movie to exist. For one thing, there’s nothing intentionally funny about the comic strip “Marmaduke“. It’s been in circulation since the transistor radio was invented and kidney transplants were considered novel. That’s not a joke, I looked it up.

Equally cutting-edge.

Most of the actual humor of “Marmaduke” lies in the strip’s creator and still writer/artist, 84-year old Brad Anderson, being completely out of touch with the modern world. Beside the fact that Anderson can’t actually draw, he also regularly screws up common words or phrases when he uses them in captions, and frequently repeats jokes mere days apart. None of these are things to look for when finding material for your next $50 million feature film.

Another Hallmark of the “Marmaduke” strip is its existence in a nostalgically idealized, perpetual Eisenhower-era, where rotary phones abound and there’s nary an immigrant or person of color in sight. And while an accurate film translation of this 1950s twilight zone could be self-deprecating and funny in a way The Brady Bunch Movie could only have hoped to be, the Marmaduke film is set in modern day. Why? Half of “Marmaduke’s” jokes are about evading the dog catchers and stealing gigantic chains of sausage links from the neighborhood butcher. Exactly what part of that is going to translate to 2010? For God’s sake, Hollywood, you didn’t even make his owner look like Hitler! Instead you made him look like this guy:

He’s a dog, but get this, he’s wearing sunglasses! HILARIOUS!

Let me put this in perspective for you. One of the only likable features of your comic strip is that one of the characters vaguely resembles are war criminal and you still managed to screw that up. Instead you gave Marmaduke the ability to talk? Let me assure you, if there’s one thing people wish when reading “Marmaduke” it is not that Marmaduke talk.

Their far more likely wish: Brad Anderson’s home address and a list of his deepest fears.

Grown Ups

Actual Tagline: “Boys will be boys... some longer than others”
Implied Tagline: “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if the cast from Saturday Night Live circa-1994 got back together to make a film about getting older, having a family, and dealing with the slow march towards inevitable death? Turns out, no. No it isn‘t funny at all.”

Pop quiz time, Hollywood:

1) In the last ten years Adam Sandler has been in how many funny movies?
A) Omigod, dude, like, so many.
B) Three or four.
C) I’m not sure, I’m sure there were a couple in there somewhere, though.
C) I’m just happy to see a mentally retarded man doing so well for himself.

Good on you, big guy.

2) Chris Rock would best be described as:
A) A controversial entertainer.
B) The living embodiment of low acting standards and poor career choices.
C) A poor man’s Dave Chappelle.
D) A rich man’s Tyler Perry.

I will hound you until the day I die, Perry!

3) David Spade is best known for:
A) Being funny.
B) Being talented.
C) Looking like an old lesbian.
D) Wishing the best parts of his career weren’t sealed in a tomb marked “Chris Farley.”

“Too soon.”

4) Rob Schneider is:
A) A comedy genius.
B) Inexplicably popular.
C) Composed of equal parts creepy and unpleasant.
D) Probably paying for a hooker somewhere as you read this.

And if the she has any taste, she’s charging him double.

5) Pick the best choice: “It’s too bad Chris Farley’s dead. Let’s replace him with…”
A) “…Kevin James.”
B) “…That fat guy who does those impressions of John Madden.”
C) “…A clone created from the combined DNA of Chris Farley and John Candy, to be known as Chrohn Farndy.”
D) “…Comedy that doesn’t require a fat man to embarrass himself into an early grave.”

“Still too soon.”

Don’t bother checking your scores, Hollywood. You already got every answer wrong.

Piranha 3D


Actual Tagline: “This Summer 3D Shows Its Teeth.”
Implied Tagline: “As Soon As The Syfy Channel Comes In 3D We’ll Be Out of Work.”

I really debated seeing Piranha 3D. I mean, it’s not particularly substantive, but it could be fun. It’s piranhas attacking people… in 3D! It’s even got somewhat well-known actors in it! Richard Dreyfuss, Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rames, Christopher Loyd, all of your favorite supporting cast members from movies that came out over a decade ago are here! According to imdb.com there’s a wet t-shirt contest in there somewhere and Steve McQueen too! Well, Steve McQueen’s grandson, Steven R. McQueen, who kind of looks like Ashton Kutcher if he had a mild allergy to shellfish.

“Demi, have you seen my EpiPen?”

Ultimately, I passed on this one because I realized there is nothing I could write about it in a legitimate review. Anything I criticized would be beside the point because no one is going to see this with the expectation that it be anything beyond piranhas in 3D. As long as that’s all there, there isn’t really much left to say. What am I supposed to do, summarize the plot? “Well, see, there are these piranhas, ok? And they’re in 3D.”

“Are you with me so far?”

While we‘re on the topic, what are you doing with Jerry O’Connell, Hollywood? He was the fat kid in Stand By Me, then he was on Sliders years later, then years after that he did Kangaroo Jack, then this, and now he’s on CBS with a Primetime show. What kind of career path is that? At this rate next I expect him to form a shitty band, attempt to get some artistic cred by performing on Broadway, fail spectacularly and be brainwashed by a CGI-kangaroo focused cult, only to be rescued and deprogrammed by Will Wheaton, Corey Feldman and (replacing the late River Phoenix) John Rhys-Davies.

And that, CBS, is how you pitch a hit new fall drama.

Come back soon for Part 2, when I'll be criticizing Resident Evil: Afterlife, Easy A, and other movies I haven't seen. Because I can and you can't stop me, so nyeh.