"GO ON, TAKE IT, WE’LL REPLACE IT! AND IF YOU DON’T TAKE IT YOU’LL FIND ONE ON YOUR PILLOW WHEN YOU GET HOME ANYWAY! JUST TRY TO ESCAPE US! WE WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP!"
Part One: Electronics
At some point Sky Mall discovered a winning formula: If you can paint something silver and describe it using words like “infra-red” and “Bluetooth sync” and claim it treats an embarrassing problem comfortably at home, then by God, there is someone out there who will pay at least half a grand for it.
Head Spa Massager
$49.95
The text for this Thunderdome Battle Helmet From The 30th-Century reads:
“This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away.”
“This doesn’t look stupid, it looks foreign. What are you, racist?”
“It's like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp.”
Apparently Sky Mall gets their ad copy directly from my nightmares.
“Suitable for any age, this massager stimulates blood circulation and helps to relieve stress.”
“This isn’t a some kind of new-fangled vibrator, so don’t get your hopes up.”
“Use it at your desk at work or while relaxing at home in front of the TV after a long day. Its rechargeable battery makes it totally portable and easy to use anytime and anywhere.”
Yeah, good luck with that. Nothing relieves stress like losing your job, your spouse, and all sense of self-respect and dignity.
"Bob, we have to talk about your work attire. Yes, it's about the helmet. Yes, we realize it's foreign."
SmartShopper
$79.99
“A grocery list organizer so efficient, it even spells spaghetti for you”
“You are an idiot.”
“SmartShopper is a voice-activated grocery shopping list organizer that does away with the old pen and paper lists that are always getting lost.”
“You are a fucking idiot.”
“Simply push the record button, say the name of the item you want to add to your list, and SmartShopper keeps it all in memory and organized. When you're ready to go to the store, just print out your list. It even categorizes your list to match your store's layout, and flags those items for which you have coupons.”
“Smartshopper is at least twenty I.Q. points higher than you and it knows it. We recommend you treat it with respect, least it go all HAL on your stupid ass.”
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Diane, you've already got a full bottle of ketchup in the cupboard, behind the green beans. I'm cutting off the air-supply now."
Epiphany Massager
$69.99
“It can be anything but relaxing when you're contorting every which-way just to massage sore muscles in hard-to-reach places.”
“Hard-to-reach places.” *wink*
“But thanks to the Epiphany Massager's unique patented curved design, delivering 5,000 RPMs of deep, invigorating therapeutic relief to those impossible-to-massage places is easily within your grasp.”
“Within your grasp.” *wink*
“As light as a bottle of water, it's most intuitively shaped handheld massager ever invented. Includes several detachable massage heads that pinpoint specific amounts of relief for a variety of tense, achy muscles.”
“This is a fucking vibrator.” *wink*
If I told you this picture came from AdamandEve.com you wouldn't bat an eye.
Infrared LED Pain Reliever
$159.95
“Using technology developed by NASA to heal astronauts' injuries,”
“Do you buy that?”
“(T)his device's 60 LEDs produce safe infrared heat to stimulate blood circulation, relieve swelling in joints, and loosen tight muscles. A study at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee showed the LED technology reduced painful inflammation by up to 37%.”
See? It’s perfectly safe; they’ve tested it on children.
“Unlike heating pads that only treat just below the skin's surface, the LED light penetrates deep into tissue for lasting relief from muscle aches.”
See, it just sends infrared light deep into your body. Safe.
“The device begins to relieve pain when placed 1/4" from the skin.”
This produces a side-effect otherwise known as “medium-rare.”
“The lightweight, brush-shaped design is easy to move around the body and hold in place.”
Whoa. Things just got weird.
“Includes a travel bag.”
Because nothing gets you through airport security faster than a flesh-penetrating laser wand (that’s what she said).
Whipping this out at security instantly makes you a several times more suspicious than the guy asking the TSA agent if he can pack his balm in his carry-on.
The Peaceful Progression Wake Up Clock
$69.95
"Quick get into the TARDIS! "
Magic Wand Remote Control
$89.95
Actually, I really want this.
“Volumeus Increaseatous!”
The Voice Clarifying Amplifier
$299.95
It’s not a hearing aid. It’s a Voice Clarifying Amplifier. You’re not getting old, you’re just becoming a cyborg. And it couldn't look more natural! 
"Pardon me sir, you appear to have a cycloptic, grinning ear-weavel burrowing out of your skull."
Inflatable Movie Screen
$249.99
…I don’t even have a joke to make for this one. It’s already an inflatable movie screen. What more could possibly be said. Ladies and Gentlemen, we may have just reached The End of Comedy.
They should have sent a poet.
X5 Hair Laser
$199.99
And
HairMax Laser Comb
$459.00
And
iRestore
$499.00
That’s right, Sky Mall has not one, not two, but three products which are best described as “laser hair regrowing devices.” Not only is that stupid, it’s also sad. We use lasers for important, serious things, like guiding Smart Bombs, performing delicate surgeries, and exercising dominance over our cats.
You keep trying to catch that dot, Mr. Raisins. You’ll get it someday.
And despite what Sky Mall, late night cable TV ads, and businessmen who wear ball caps would have you believe, baldness is neither serious nor important.
You can say you’re just a big Sox fan all you want, we all know what’s going on under there.
Being bald happens. Right now our society sees it as detrimental to one’s appearance but fuck them. You play the hand you’re dealt and you do it proudly. Plus no matter how bad you think being bald makes you look, you will always look much, much worse wearing this:
This guy actually HAS hair and he still looks like an jackass. And kind of a prick.
That's it for now. Come back soon for Part Two: Pets!
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