As I began to explain in parts one and two, Sky Mall knows its target market; people bored with life and wealthy enough to buy overpriced shit they don’t need, but not so bored or wealthy that they go totally over-the-top and start gold-plating their plumbing fixtures and inventing new dog breeds.
Not the ideal Sky Mall customer, but close.
Which brings us to décor, where people with more money than taste, and more time to kill before their flight to Denver lands than money, decorate their homes, gardens, and curtilage with a mix of wonder, whimsy, and what-the-fuckery.
The trifecta that has made Japan what it is today.
$129.99 - $349.99
Didn’t a bunch of apes find one of these in 2001: A Space Odyssey?
From the item description:
“Store over 2,250 CDs and DVDs in the world's largest capacity storage towers.”
I’d like to hope that by the time I have more DVDs than children in the Third World have grains of rice, I’ll at least have a sweet underground vault or something to keep them in.
To keep the DVDs in, not the Third World children. Although…
“Display your favorite movies and music proudly with these handsome bookcases.”
If by “handsome” you mean “pants-shittingly gigantic.”
“Wall-hugging slim cabinet design with stylish crown molding easily fits in your living room or family room.”
If your family room has the same seating capacity as the average-size multiplex.
“Generously sized 24"W x 6"D shelves are fully adjustable and hold all your media.”
That’s a typo, that should say “the.” All the media. All of it.
“Assembly required.”
Hope you’ve got a village of Amish on hand.
They're big shelves is what I'm trying to say.$149.95
So you can clearly explain toy our child exactly where you had the maid deported to.
$69.50
I hope SkyMall also has a special saw so I can cut the stand off my computer monitor and carry it around with me.
$39.99-$49.99
Here’s how I imagine this was created:
SkyMall Editor: Dammit, we’re short one item for the spring edition and the deadline is in ten minutes. What’ve you got?
SkyMall Writer: Umm…How about we turn this bench on its side and call it a table?
SkyMall Editor: Fantastic! I’ll be at the bar.
Brilliant!
$24.95
This is a resin face that attaches to any tree, appearing to give the foliage a red-eyed, menacing glare; its mouth constantly pursed in a silent whisper. It’s perfect for the outdoors enthusiast who happens to also want his or her children to grow up to wet themselves at the sight of a tree.
19.95-29.95
There should be more exclusive, catalogue-only statuary that also enables alcoholism. It’s really an underfed market.
$69.95 - $89.95
From the item description:
“Effective under any pillowcase,”
Unlike every other pillow ever sold.
“(T)his is the pillow that actively regulates your head's and face's temperature, creating an optimal sleeping climate by preventing overheating.”
Finally!
“It uses a fabric developed for NASA to help astronauts adapt to extreme temperature fluctuations.”
Yes, the extreme temperature fluctuations…in space.
“It absorbs excess heat from you when you are hot, ensuring a comfortable pillow temperature every time you use it.”
I don’t want my pillow absorbing anything from my body but the tears I cry into it every night. And my pillow already does that just fine.
$29.99-$34.99
Just straight up fucking with your dog has never been more fun!
“Tired of kids and pet claw marks ruining your mesh screen door? Our replacement screen door kit is the perfect solution.”
A screen door kit that will adopt my kids and pets and give me my life back? I’m in!
“Replace your ripped or sagging screen (…)”
Who told you about my sagging screen?
“(…) with the flexible mesh screen that's tough enough to resist tearing, sagging and constant impact (…)”
Really? “Constant Impact?” Where is this going to be used, on the gates of Helm‘s Deep?
“Imagine a replacement screen door that just bounces back into shape after kids and pets hurry to get out doors.”
I’d rather imagine that my genes don’t produce offspring that run headlong into doors.
“Our flexible mesh screen is perfect for windows, screen doors and patio doors.”
Great, I’ll do the whole house!
“Well Susie, I’ll play catch with you, if you can find a way outside. Bahahaha, that’s what I thought! Keep trying kid, I’ll be at the bar.”
That's all for now. Come back next time when I'll wrap-up this series with our final category, and where Sky Mall attempts to cure all that ails ye. There will probably be lasers.
