Phoenix Comicon 2010 Day 1

Through a blend of charm, skill, and ancient black magic I was approved to do media coverage by Phoenix Comicon this year. The event took place over May 27-30 in Phoenix, Arizona and I was there covering the whole thing for this blog and the far less funny Examiner.com. Over the next few days I’ll be updating both sites with stories and photos from the convention. Today I present my chronicle of my first day at Phoenix Comicon 2010:

Phoenix Comicon 2010 Day 1: I’m In Way Over My Head

I arrived at the Phoenix Convention Center for Thursday Preview Night around 6:30 in the evening. I’d never been to the convention center before and had not realized that it was actually multiple buildings spread over several city blocks, so I found myself immediately lost. Luckily, after only a few minutes of quietly sobbing while rush hour commuters laughed and threw things at me, I noticed several young men, all poorly dressed, looking unwashed, displaying a variety of terrible haircuts, and all headed in the same direction. Trusting my journalist’s instincts, I followed them directly to the Comicon.

If you showed this photo to the woman from What Not To Wear she would burst into flame.

I mounted the steps to the Phoenix Convention Center South Building and was immediately confronted by a massive line. Registration had been open since 4pm and the line was still out the door and curving down the sidewalk outside. A convention staffer keeping the crowd from rioting notified me that media can actually skip the line and pick up their credentials inside. I humbly waltzed past the massive geek pileup with an absolute minimal amount of strutting.

“Hehe step aside losers, Media comin’ through! ….Oh, hey, does anyone know if the concession stands take food stamps? I forgot to ask my mom for lunch money…”

On the way into the building I passed this:

Which taught me two things. One, apparently there’s such a thing as a “Knight Rider Festival.” Two, David Hasselhoff looks way different in person.

Despite the fact that Registration had been open for over two hours, convention programming had been going on for half an hour, and the massive line outside, the lobbies and main halls were pretty empty. On my way to media registration I passed a gaggle of anime kids and made a note to myself that anime kids continue to be fucking terrifying. Besides wearing intricate recreations of costumes designed for cartoon characters, having hair that looks like lacquered cotton candy, and carrying massive paper mache weapons, they talk in an indecipherable mix of Japanese, English, and anime references, and they’re so hopped up on Pocky and green tea hard candy that all I see are blurs of color and gibberish moving around in small packs, occasionally stopping to admire a particularly garishly-hued Furry.

Pictured: Garishly-hued Furry, pretty empty room, terrifying anime kids.

Once I’d composed myself I continued on my way to media registration and was greeted by another (much shorter) line. While waiting I noticed several overweight bald men, all with prodigious beads of sweat coating their hairless scalps despite it not being particularly warm out. It was around this time that I made another note to myself that I should avoid touching anything. I got my credentials and, while saddened to find it didn’t have my name on it, was quite pleased to note it didn’t have my press affiliation either. I spent the rest of the convention telling people I worked for Cat Fancy.

“I won an award for my expose on the mental health care options available for Crazy Cat Ladies.”

After getting my press badge I read through the official welcome letter given to media members. I was a little disappointed, although not exactly surprised, to find that it was earnestly signed “Live Long and Prosper.”

Sigh.

Now, press credentials proudly displayed and scarcely believing that I’d made it this far without anyone realizing I was wildly unqualified to even be here, I began really buckling down and getting into some serious journalism. After 30 seconds of that I began taking silly photos and cracking jokes. Enjoy.

Right away I noticed several massive promotional posters for Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Besides a 6” x 9” free standing poster of Jake Gyllenhaal that passersby described as “gay,” there were also a series of posters behind the volunteer registration table. Here giant Ben Kingsley reminds volunteers to keep their walkie-talkies turned to channel 5. Oh, and REVENGE!!!!!!

There were two sponsored video gaming rooms, and they seemed to have attracted a lot of people, so I thought I’d check them out. They had tons of computers and the latest gaming hardware…

…like a 2001 Xbox.

Still the kids seemed to enjoy it. There was Rockband, and DDR, and classic fighting games, and kids who’d paid $35 attendance to do the exact same thing they do every day at home.

Worth every penny.

In the comic book trivia room I spotted Paul from Cheers:

In the Exhibition Hall there were free posters for tons of current and up-coming comic book and sci-fi movies…

…Like this three year-old romantic comedy about a shut-in who falls in love with a latex sex doll.

If you’re not clear what a movie about the fetish of a socially dysfunctional man-child has to do with Comicon…

…Then clearly you’ve never been to a comic book convention.

There were several celebrities present at this year’s Comicon, including The Honky Tonk Man, 57 year-old professional wrestler and 24-hour sad reminder of Elvis’ last days…

A lot of lesser known comic book artists and publishers went to great lengths to get attendees’ attention…

…Including sporting the most impressive pair of pigtails ever seen on a grown man.

While in artist’s alley I spotted this guy…

…Who seemed to be at the wrong convention…

…OR WAS HE?

While browsing the vendors I had to admire the girth of this woman’s mushroom tip.

I was saddened to find that Honky Tonk Man hadn’t arranged to be seated nearer to this poster. I hope someone got fired over this, Honky.

I don’t know why, but “puppet pie” just sounds really dirty to me.

When I first saw this poster, I could’ve sworn it said “Tulip Man.”

The Godaddy.com booth made the brilliant marketing decision to leave the scantily clad Go Daddy Girls at home, and instead brought a random dinosaur and a modestly dressed staffer who seemed genuinely surprised that anyone was interested in their booth.

This terrifyingly realistic Spawn mannequin was wisely placed directly across from the adorable, kid-friendly Godaddy.com dinosaur. I can only guess at the number of children this traumatized. Enjoy your impending lawsuits, Phoenix Comicon!

It’s hard to see in the photo, but this guy’s name tag was a couple letters away from reading “Spermaniak,” which I think would be a really good name for a Thrash Metal band. Also, Arizona has their own Ghostbusters, so suck it, New Mexico!

Here we see the Art Institute of Phoenix showing off their strict admissions standards.

At the Southwest Sketchoff competitors had a limited amount of time to draw well-known characters from comics and science fiction, all chosen by the moderator, while the audience…umm…watched. Ok, it wasn’t the most terribly exciting spectator event, but the drawings themselves were actually pretty cool:

Back in the video game room a couple guys showed up to show all the poseurs the kind of style and panache it takes to really master Rockband…

…While the last gen Xbox made friends with the only piece of technology in the room as outdated as itself: A late ‘90s Sharp brand television.

Elsewhere, Nick of the Miniskirt Army showed off the latest in band uniform fashion…

…and in the Hyatt lobby I discovered an impromptu meeting of the prestigious Samurai Council:

I was in this lobby for a solid ten minutes. The entire time, never once did they blink.

There were a couple of after party events going on in the Hyatt ballrooms, but they were unbelievably dead. Either most of the convention attendees hadn’t yet arrived or, unbeknownst to me, comic book fans do not drink. Or dance. And are easily frightened by bright lights and loud music.

Turns out comic books fans are eerily similar to my 80 year-old father.

In any case I knew that I had barely hit the tip of the Comicon iceberg, so I decided to call it a night, head back to the hotel, and prepare for the next three days. I’d already gotten through press registration without anyone realizing I was a complete fraud, taken pictures of complete strangers without anyone smashing my camera, and my chub rub status was, at most, moderate. I considered the day a success. I showered off what I assumed to be the smell of a hard day’s work and went to bed. Tomorrow was Friday, the first full day of Phoenix Comicon, and I needed some rest.

Coming up: Phoenix Comicon 2010: Day 2!