My second day of Comicon began with an auspicious start. Around 8:00am I had a nightmare that Sylvester Stallone had me kidnapped and murdered after I stole his business card design. As I recall his business was named Crackle. Anyway, once I’d come to terms with my renewed fear of Stallone’s terrifying meat face I got out of bed and prepared for round two with my own personal Apollo Creed, Phoenix Comicon.
The first thing I noticed was that the previous day’s line was nowhere to be found. There was a small line right at the door and inside at registration, but nowhere near the throng rounding the corner the day before.
However two more stunt cars had showed up and I have to admit they were pretty nice. I can’t speak for their performance since I never saw them move, but they were painstakingly detailed. By which I mean they both absolutely reeked of Georgian moonshine.
It was significantly busier inside, and much more crowded than the day before. So crowded that it was impossible to get a clear photo of anyone. Except for you, shirtless, 6-foot aluminum foil machete, raver guy. Nice sleeves.
The ratio of security personnel to mohawks was nearly 1:1.
I tried to get this girl to turn around, but I guess she couldn’t hear me. *Ba-Dump-Bump*
I finally figured out where the line was: Getting ready to play Cosplay Chess!
When I asked this guy what his costume was, he replied “What costume?” and then crashed through a wall to attack an old man, a biker, a woman, and a black guy who really seemed to enjoy pills.
Cosplay Chess: Even nerdier than normal chess.
Convention staff announce that someone has lost their Pokewalker. Seriously.
A daring opening move from the boys’ team…
…Only to be outdone by this brilliant play by…um…God, I hate chess.
Around the time I began considering ducking out early, I realized there were now four inescapable layers of geekery between me and the only exit. I was trapped.
As I attempted to slowly extricate myself from the increasingly less enthusiastic crowd, I noticed this guy…
...The creepiest Captain Picard I’ve ever seen.
I was very disappointed to find that there were no Comicon-themed items in the food court. No Mario Mushroom Burger, no I Can Has Cheezburger combo, not even pork chop sandwiches. If you’re going to charge $7.00 for a fucking hot dog at least try to soften the blow by marketing it to your audience.
Con Horror Stories was my one of my favorite panels of the whole convention. I had no clue who the presenters were (and I still don’t, let’s just say the Comicon programming guide needs some work), but I really enjoyed it. Whoever these men are they’re all apparently comic book industry professionals who’ve gone to conventions in both personal and professional capacities, and they really seemed to enjoy sharing the awful, awful things they’ve seen and done at events like this one. I took notes the whole time, but if my barely graduating college taught me anything it’s that my note-taking skills are terrible. Here‘s a sample of some actual notes I wrote to myself during this panel:
“Hangover"
"Falling asleep, stolen soda"
"S&M rickshaw racing"
"Furry with a bloody diaper"
"Visible penis Spider-man"
"Open window to find homeless man urinate onto window in morning”
…I have no idea what any of that means.
Also this.
Against my better judgment I stopped by the Wonderful World of Ball-Jointed Dolls panel, and it was…pretty goddamn creepy. The dolls are all anatomically correct and they have big asses and dear god the staring…the endless staring. Just when it all seemed to be too much, I was saved by this guy:
One of the most awesome people I have ever met.
This is Paul Wilson. He was invited over from the failed Doll Costume Contest across the hall. He makes Lee Harvey Oswald dolls.
He makes youtube videos featuring himself, Lee Harvey Oswald, Seth Green, the guy from Quantum Leap, and Anderson Cooper having adventures.
Last Christmas I made a homemade Christmas card featuring a toy version of myself being depressed and passed out while a unicorn (named Gary) looks on:
Simply put, Paul Wilson is my hero.
Next I checked out Your Anime Sucks with Panda Cubed. I probably say the phrase “your anime sucks” every time someone mentions anime, so I figured this was right up my alley. Basically anime kids called out their favorite shows and the hosts shamelessly mocked whatever was suggested. It was hilarious, and, as you can see, it was fucking packed. Apparently even anime kids hate anime. Eight minutes in, convention staff had already had to remind people not to block the exits. Twice.
Afterwards, Panda Cubed was nice enough to pose for this photo. They’re both adorable, but if you tell them they don’t have to pay attention while you take their picture they will both deliberately look away just to spite you.
Around 5:30 I headed out to get dinner somewhere that wouldn’t charge me $8.50 for a shitty burger. On the way I passed this guy:
“They said you couldn’t make a bong out of a minigun, but lookit me now, man…hey, who's got the Funyuns?”
Here I am enjoying the Phoenix weather... just before my sunglasses melted.
“*sniff* Anyone else smell bong water?”
At the Zombie Walk the Arizona Ghostbusters busted out this sweet Ecto 1 replica…
…While Racoon City PD handled crowd control.
Turns out swat teams strangling zombies while the Ghostbusters look on tends to draw a crowd.
These proton packs were really realistic. I’m not convinced that wasn’t an actual unlicensed nuclear accelerator strapped to that man’s back.
I’m not sure if that’s zombie Tim or zombie Eric but either way his show is terrible.
This isn’t posed, she was just really into her character. I peed myself a little.
…and were immediately eaten, digested, and expelled. They will be missed.
Apparently someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.
The Hyatt hosted a Zombie Fashion Show, but apparently it was only for fast zombies and this was the clearest photo I got of the whole thing.
The Hyatt also hosted a Star Wars mixer and assumed Star Wars fans would happily pay an extra $25 dollars for the privilege of a cash bar and quietly talking amongst themselves. Turns out even Star Wars fans have standards and the room was pretty empty.
Apparently, people who’ve spent a fortune on every exacting detail of their costume don’t have a lot of money left over for over-priced geek mixers. As such, this was the closest thing to a costume I saw inside.
If you don’t believe me when I say this mixer was a waste of money, less than half an hour after the mixer had started the Hyatt had been forced to institute a pretty steep price reduction.
Bored with watching geeks who weren’t in costume I walked back to the Convention Center to see if anything was going on there…
…And passed this terrifying Steve Nash mask. With those gigantic teeth and dead eyes it looks like the death mask of Julia Roberts.
I checked out something called “Whose Line is it Anime?” It was like stepping into a 4chan message board, and just like the real 4chan I lasted about thirty seconds before I left crying, fighting the urge to put bleach in my own eyes.
Next I checked out something called AMV Contest. I didn’t know what AMV was but it was marked “Adult 18+” so I figured it’d at least be interesting. It turned out to be a pitch black room filled with people watching anime porn. From what I gathered the plot was something about a demon that took over high school girls' bodies and made them rape each other. Seriously, Japan? Fuck you.
The only other room with anything going on was Living Fantasy Art Display which sounded pretty harmless. I should’ve been concerned when they checked my ID at the door. Inside a half-naked man was attached spread eagle to a giant spider web, a woman wearing only black widow-themed body paint kneeling at his feet. It was at this point that I decide it might be time to call it a night.
Coming Soon: Day 3!
…Only to be outdone by this brilliant play by…um…God, I hate chess.
Around the time I began considering ducking out early, I realized there were now four inescapable layers of geekery between me and the only exit. I was trapped.
As I attempted to slowly extricate myself from the increasingly less enthusiastic crowd, I noticed this guy…
...The creepiest Captain Picard I’ve ever seen.
Jedi Master Cottontail blocked my view of the “action.” You have my eternal gratitude, oh wizened lepus warrior.
Elsewhere, the cosplay photography presentation featured neither cosplay, nor photography. Discuss.
I discovered a new campaign for the National Literacy Council: “Hey kids! Ninjas love to read! So you should read too! Or else ninjas will kill you."
I found the cool table in the food court…
…As well as the living embodiment of every college freshman alive…
…and what Han Solo would look like if he were a meth dealing sex offender.
I was very disappointed to find that there were no Comicon-themed items in the food court. No Mario Mushroom Burger, no I Can Has Cheezburger combo, not even pork chop sandwiches. If you’re going to charge $7.00 for a fucking hot dog at least try to soften the blow by marketing it to your audience.
Con Horror Stories was my one of my favorite panels of the whole convention. I had no clue who the presenters were (and I still don’t, let’s just say the Comicon programming guide needs some work), but I really enjoyed it. Whoever these men are they’re all apparently comic book industry professionals who’ve gone to conventions in both personal and professional capacities, and they really seemed to enjoy sharing the awful, awful things they’ve seen and done at events like this one. I took notes the whole time, but if my barely graduating college taught me anything it’s that my note-taking skills are terrible. Here‘s a sample of some actual notes I wrote to myself during this panel:
“Hangover"
"Falling asleep, stolen soda"
"S&M rickshaw racing"
"Furry with a bloody diaper"
"Visible penis Spider-man"
"Open window to find homeless man urinate onto window in morning”
…I have no idea what any of that means.
Also this.
Against my better judgment I stopped by the Wonderful World of Ball-Jointed Dolls panel, and it was…pretty goddamn creepy. The dolls are all anatomically correct and they have big asses and dear god the staring…the endless staring. Just when it all seemed to be too much, I was saved by this guy:
One of the most awesome people I have ever met.This is Paul Wilson. He was invited over from the failed Doll Costume Contest across the hall. He makes Lee Harvey Oswald dolls.
He makes youtube videos featuring himself, Lee Harvey Oswald, Seth Green, the guy from Quantum Leap, and Anderson Cooper having adventures.
Last Christmas I made a homemade Christmas card featuring a toy version of myself being depressed and passed out while a unicorn (named Gary) looks on:
Simply put, Paul Wilson is my hero.
Next I checked out Your Anime Sucks with Panda Cubed. I probably say the phrase “your anime sucks” every time someone mentions anime, so I figured this was right up my alley. Basically anime kids called out their favorite shows and the hosts shamelessly mocked whatever was suggested. It was hilarious, and, as you can see, it was fucking packed. Apparently even anime kids hate anime. Eight minutes in, convention staff had already had to remind people not to block the exits. Twice.
Afterwards, Panda Cubed was nice enough to pose for this photo. They’re both adorable, but if you tell them they don’t have to pay attention while you take their picture they will both deliberately look away just to spite you.
Around 5:30 I headed out to get dinner somewhere that wouldn’t charge me $8.50 for a shitty burger. On the way I passed this guy:
“They said you couldn’t make a bong out of a minigun, but lookit me now, man…hey, who's got the Funyuns?”
Here I am enjoying the Phoenix weather... just before my sunglasses melted.
“*sniff* Anyone else smell bong water?”
At the Zombie Walk the Arizona Ghostbusters busted out this sweet Ecto 1 replica…
…While Racoon City PD handled crowd control.
Turns out swat teams strangling zombies while the Ghostbusters look on tends to draw a crowd.
These proton packs were really realistic. I’m not convinced that wasn’t an actual unlicensed nuclear accelerator strapped to that man’s back.
I’m not sure if that’s zombie Tim or zombie Eric but either way his show is terrible.
This isn’t posed, she was just really into her character. I peed myself a little.
…and were immediately eaten, digested, and expelled. They will be missed.
Apparently someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.
The Hyatt hosted a Zombie Fashion Show, but apparently it was only for fast zombies and this was the clearest photo I got of the whole thing.
The Hyatt also hosted a Star Wars mixer and assumed Star Wars fans would happily pay an extra $25 dollars for the privilege of a cash bar and quietly talking amongst themselves. Turns out even Star Wars fans have standards and the room was pretty empty.
Apparently, people who’ve spent a fortune on every exacting detail of their costume don’t have a lot of money left over for over-priced geek mixers. As such, this was the closest thing to a costume I saw inside.
There were a few of these guys sporting their Dune Sea Legion biker patches. I hear they run the production and distribution of death sticks for the entire Southwest. Meth is still handled by the Hell’s Angels though.
The most wretched taco bar in all the galaxy.
If you don’t believe me when I say this mixer was a waste of money, less than half an hour after the mixer had started the Hyatt had been forced to institute a pretty steep price reduction.
Bored with watching geeks who weren’t in costume I walked back to the Convention Center to see if anything was going on there…
…And passed this terrifying Steve Nash mask. With those gigantic teeth and dead eyes it looks like the death mask of Julia Roberts.
I checked out something called “Whose Line is it Anime?” It was like stepping into a 4chan message board, and just like the real 4chan I lasted about thirty seconds before I left crying, fighting the urge to put bleach in my own eyes.
Next I checked out something called AMV Contest. I didn’t know what AMV was but it was marked “Adult 18+” so I figured it’d at least be interesting. It turned out to be a pitch black room filled with people watching anime porn. From what I gathered the plot was something about a demon that took over high school girls' bodies and made them rape each other. Seriously, Japan? Fuck you.
The only other room with anything going on was Living Fantasy Art Display which sounded pretty harmless. I should’ve been concerned when they checked my ID at the door. Inside a half-naked man was attached spread eagle to a giant spider web, a woman wearing only black widow-themed body paint kneeling at his feet. It was at this point that I decide it might be time to call it a night.
Coming Soon: Day 3!
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