Sky Mall Part Three: Because I Need More Shit

As I began to explain in parts one and two, Sky Mall knows its target market; people bored with life and wealthy enough to buy overpriced shit they don’t need, but not so bored or wealthy that they go totally over-the-top and start gold-plating their plumbing fixtures and inventing new dog breeds.

Not the ideal Sky Mall customer, but close.

Which brings us to décor, where people with more money than taste, and more time to kill before their flight to Denver lands than money, decorate their homes, gardens, and curtilage with a mix of wonder, whimsy, and what-the-fuckery.

The trifecta that has made Japan what it is today.

Media Storage Tower

$129.99 - $349.99

Didn’t a bunch of apes find one of these in 2001: A Space Odyssey?

From the item description:

“Store over 2,250 CDs and DVDs in the world's largest capacity storage towers.”

I’d like to hope that by the time I have more DVDs than children in the Third World have grains of rice, I’ll at least have a sweet underground vault or something to keep them in.

To keep the DVDs in, not the Third World children. Although…

“Display your favorite movies and music proudly with these handsome bookcases.”

If by “handsome” you mean “pants-shittingly gigantic.”

“Wall-hugging slim cabinet design with stylish crown molding easily fits in your living room or family room.”

If your family room has the same seating capacity as the average-size multiplex.

“Generously sized 24"W x 6"D shelves are fully adjustable and hold all your media.”

That’s a typo, that should say “the.” All the media. All of it.

“Assembly required.”

Hope you’ve got a village of Amish on hand.

They're big shelves is what I'm trying to say.

World’s Largest Write-On Map

$149.95

So you can clearly explain toy our child exactly where you had the maid deported to.

Rotating iPad Display Stand

$69.50

I hope SkyMall also has a special saw so I can cut the stand off my computer monitor and carry it around with me.

Stylish Tray Tables

$39.99-$49.99

Here’s how I imagine this was created:

SkyMall Editor: Dammit, we’re short one item for the spring edition and the deadline is in ten minutes. What’ve you got?

SkyMall Writer: Umm…How about we turn this bench on its side and call it a table?

SkyMall Editor: Fantastic! I’ll be at the bar.

Brilliant!

Spirit of Nottingham Woods

$24.95

This is a resin face that attaches to any tree, appearing to give the foliage a red-eyed, menacing glare; its mouth constantly pursed in a silent whisper. It’s perfect for the outdoors enthusiast who happens to also want his or her children to grow up to wet themselves at the sight of a tree.

Tex The Armadillo Can Holder

19.95-29.95

There should be more exclusive, catalogue-only statuary that also enables alcoholism. It’s really an underfed market.

Always Cool Pillow

$69.95 - $89.95

From the item description:

“Effective under any pillowcase,”

Unlike every other pillow ever sold.

“(T)his is the pillow that actively regulates your head's and face's temperature, creating an optimal sleeping climate by preventing overheating.”

Finally!

“It uses a fabric developed for NASA to help astronauts adapt to extreme temperature fluctuations.”

Yes, the extreme temperature fluctuations…in space.

“It absorbs excess heat from you when you are hot, ensuring a comfortable pillow temperature every time you use it.”

I don’t want my pillow absorbing anything from my body but the tears I cry into it every night. And my pillow already does that just fine.

Flexible Screening Kits

$29.99-$34.99

Just straight up fucking with your dog has never been more fun!

“Tired of kids and pet claw marks ruining your mesh screen door? Our replacement screen door kit is the perfect solution.”

A screen door kit that will adopt my kids and pets and give me my life back? I’m in!

“Replace your ripped or sagging screen (…)”

Who told you about my sagging screen?

“(…) with the flexible mesh screen that's tough enough to resist tearing, sagging and constant impact (…)”

Really? “Constant Impact?” Where is this going to be used, on the gates of Helm‘s Deep?

“Imagine a replacement screen door that just bounces back into shape after kids and pets hurry to get out doors.”

I’d rather imagine that my genes don’t produce offspring that run headlong into doors.

“Our flexible mesh screen is perfect for windows, screen doors and patio doors.”

Great, I’ll do the whole house!

“Well Susie, I’ll play catch with you, if you can find a way outside. Bahahaha, that’s what I thought! Keep trying kid, I’ll be at the bar.”

That's all for now. Come back next time when I'll wrap-up this series with our final category, and where Sky Mall attempts to cure all that ails ye. There will probably be lasers.

Sky Mall Part Two: My Pets Have Unusually High Expectations

As Part One should have shown you, Sky Mall has discovered that at normal cruising altitude, people lose their fucking minds. They’ll believe that lasers can regrow hair, remove unwanted hair, and give their aching muscles a soothing massage, with happy ending.
Does the same loss of reason apply to pet owners? Oh dear God, yes.

Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System
$49.99

“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids”

“Most people” is a popular catch-all in advertising-speak because, as most people are aware, most people are fucking idiots. But I’m sure you’re one of the special ones that can make your cat go against all of its natural instincts and perch its ass over a toilet bowl.

“The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good.”

Yeah, fuck that shit!

“With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less."

Gnomish, Elven, and Orc toilets may take longer.

“The age or weight of your cat doesn't matter”

If you say so, Sky Mall.

“(A)nd it works in multiple cat households too.”

Because nothing adds to that first pee of the morning like having to get in line behind my six cats*

*I like cats.

“This award-winning product has proved itself effective for years, and has been recommended by vets.”

After Jimmy got back from ‘Nam he just wasn’t the same. He’d couldn't hold down a job, he’d get all tense and freak out when he heard a car backfire, and he just started recommending cat toilet-training videos all over the place. He was a mess.

“Enjoy a cleaner home and say good-bye to the litter box forever.
Includes step-by-step training DVD.”

Ok, I might be able to train my cat to use a toilet, but there is no way I can get him to watch an entire training DVD. That's just ridiculous.

Litter Robots
$294.99 - $314.99


Now your cat can finally live out its fantasy of crapping in a diving helmet. FINALLY.

Dog Orthopedic Comfy Couch
$79.95-$169.95


“Our best-in-class Comfy Pet Couch is crafted as well as sofas designed for people.
Ultra-plush, this pet couch offers unsurpassed support that ordinary dog beds can't match. We'll even toss in a bone pillow. Now that's a treat any dog would love!”

Because your dog could give a shit.

Six-Panel Pet Gate/Crate
$299.99



Because your dog needs to know that while he’s not allowed in the living room, the neighborhood he lives in is still extremely gentrified.

And when he’s bad…


…show him what doggie white collar prison would be like. Because normal dog pens are for poor, black dogs.

Hidden Litter Box
$89.95-$169.95



Hide it all you want, people are still going to wonder why your eucalyptus plant smells like cat shit.

Kitty Washroom Cabinet
$99.95

Clearly 90% of Sky Mall’s pet products are devoted to hiding scat. To the people that order these products I have this to say: Maybe if being confronted with the biological necessities of animals bothers you so much, pets aren’t for you; you pretentious, over-monied, WASPy, suburban gated-community dwelling fucksticks.

*Phew*

Come back next time for more light-hearted gentle-prodding at useless, over-priced merchandise that’s sold for hundreds of dollars while people are starving to death in the very country the products are made. The topic will be décor!

Sky Mall: Exploiting The Rich and Gullible at 30,000 Feet

Sky Mall has been selling crazy shit to the bored and airborne for over two decades and it’s well past time someone handsome and Irish took them down a peg. That person might as well be me.

"GO ON, TAKE IT, WE’LL REPLACE IT! AND IF YOU DON’T TAKE IT YOU’LL FIND ONE ON YOUR PILLOW WHEN YOU GET HOME ANYWAY! JUST TRY TO ESCAPE US! WE WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP!"

Part One: Electronics

At some point Sky Mall discovered a winning formula: If you can paint something silver and describe it using words like “infra-red” and “Bluetooth sync” and claim it treats an embarrassing problem comfortably at home, then by God, there is someone out there who will pay at least half a grand for it.

Head Spa Massager
$49.95

The text for this Thunderdome Battle Helmet From The 30th-Century reads:

“This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away.”

“This doesn’t look stupid, it looks foreign. What are you, racist?”

“It's like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp.”

Apparently Sky Mall gets their ad copy directly from my nightmares.

“Suitable for any age, this massager stimulates blood circulation and helps to relieve stress.”

“This isn’t a some kind of new-fangled vibrator, so don’t get your hopes up.”

“Use it at your desk at work or while relaxing at home in front of the TV after a long day. Its rechargeable battery makes it totally portable and easy to use anytime and anywhere.”

Yeah, good luck with that. Nothing relieves stress like losing your job, your spouse, and all sense of self-respect and dignity.

"Bob, we have to talk about your work attire. Yes, it's about the helmet. Yes, we realize it's foreign."

SmartShopper
$79.99

“A grocery list organizer so efficient, it even spells spaghetti for you”

“You are an idiot.”

“SmartShopper is a voice-activated grocery shopping list organizer that does away with the old pen and paper lists that are always getting lost.”

“You are a fucking idiot.”

“Simply push the record button, say the name of the item you want to add to your list, and SmartShopper keeps it all in memory and organized. When you're ready to go to the store, just print out your list. It even categorizes your list to match your store's layout, and flags those items for which you have coupons.”

“Smartshopper is at least twenty I.Q. points higher than you and it knows it. We recommend you treat it with respect, least it go all HAL on your stupid ass.”

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Diane, you've already got a full bottle of ketchup in the cupboard, behind the green beans. I'm cutting off the air-supply now."

Epiphany Massager
$69.99

“It can be anything but relaxing when you're contorting every which-way just to massage sore muscles in hard-to-reach places.”

“Hard-to-reach places.” *wink*

“But thanks to the Epiphany Massager's unique patented curved design, delivering 5,000 RPMs of deep, invigorating therapeutic relief to those impossible-to-massage places is easily within your grasp.”

“Within your grasp.” *wink*

“As light as a bottle of water, it's most intuitively shaped handheld massager ever invented. Includes several detachable massage heads that pinpoint specific amounts of relief for a variety of tense, achy muscles.”


“This is a fucking vibrator.” *wink*

If I told you this picture came from AdamandEve.com you wouldn't bat an eye.

Infrared LED Pain Reliever
$159.95

“Using technology developed by NASA to heal astronauts' injuries,”

“Do you buy that?”

“(T)his device's 60 LEDs produce safe infrared heat to stimulate blood circulation, relieve swelling in joints, and loosen tight muscles. A study at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee showed the LED technology reduced painful inflammation by up to 37%.”

See? It’s perfectly safe; they’ve tested it on children.

“Unlike heating pads that only treat just below the skin's surface, the LED light penetrates deep into tissue for lasting relief from muscle aches.”

See, it just sends infrared light deep into your body. Safe.

“The device begins to relieve pain when placed 1/4" from the skin.”

This produces a side-effect otherwise known as “medium-rare.”

“The lightweight, brush-shaped design is easy to move around the body and hold in place.”

Whoa. Things just got weird.

“Includes a travel bag.”

Because nothing gets you through airport security faster than a flesh-penetrating laser wand (that’s what she said).

Whipping this out at security instantly makes you a several times more suspicious than the guy asking the TSA agent if he can pack his balm in his carry-on.

The Peaceful Progression Wake Up Clock

$69.95

"Quick get into the TARDIS! "

Magic Wand Remote Control
$89.95

Actually, I really want this.

“Volumeus Increaseatous!”

The Voice Clarifying Amplifier
$299.95

It’s not a hearing aid. It’s a Voice Clarifying Amplifier. You’re not getting old, you’re just becoming a cyborg. And it couldn't look more natural! "Pardon me sir, you appear to have a cycloptic, grinning ear-weavel burrowing out of your skull."

Inflatable Movie Screen
$249.99

…I don’t even have a joke to make for this one. It’s already an inflatable movie screen. What more could possibly be said. Ladies and Gentlemen, we may have just reached The End of Comedy.

They should have sent a poet.

X5 Hair Laser

$199.99

And

HairMax Laser Comb
$459.00

And

iRestore

$499.00

That’s right, Sky Mall has not one, not two, but three products which are best described as “laser hair regrowing devices.” Not only is that stupid, it’s also sad. We use lasers for important, serious things, like guiding Smart Bombs, performing delicate surgeries, and exercising dominance over our cats.

You keep trying to catch that dot, Mr. Raisins. You’ll get it someday.

And despite what Sky Mall, late night cable TV ads, and businessmen who wear ball caps would have you believe, baldness is neither serious nor important.

You can say you’re just a big Sox fan all you want, we all know what’s going on under there.

Being bald happens. Right now our society sees it as detrimental to one’s appearance but fuck them. You play the hand you’re dealt and you do it proudly. Plus no matter how bad you think being bald makes you look, you will always look much, much worse wearing this:

This guy actually HAS hair and he still looks like an jackass. And kind of a prick.

That's it for now. Come back soon for Part Two: Pets!

Handsome Paddy: Steampunk Pill-Popper

If there are two things that define me as a person they are my love for the trappings of Victorian-era fashion and my daily requirement of large doses of psychotropic medications.

Like this, but with a monocle and a top hat.

As such, it only seemed natural to synergize my two interests/crippling addictions by creating something that was at one time shiny 19th-century bauble and minor narcotic smuggling apparatus. The following step-by-step guide is the result. Enjoy.

Tools:

The tools for this project are fairly simple and easy to obtain.

Pocket watch:

Any pocket watch will do. It doesn’t have to function because we’ll be taking out all the innards anyway and, frankly, with the amount of pills we’ll be on once this project is finished, time will cease to have any meaning to you. I bought this particular watch for $12 at Wal-Mart. Because I’m classy.

Medium-Sized Flathead Screwdriver:

Technically these are called “slotted screwdrivers” but what is this, Tool Time?

Teensy-Weensy Flathead Screwdriver:

This is to remove the tiny screws you’ll find inside the watch. Somewhere in my many adventures I came into possession of a jeweler’s screwdriver, which is what you see pictured above. If your background and/or kleptomania is not as eclectic as mine you can try the screwdrivers in eyeglass repair kits. If in dire strait’s you should be able to make due with the tip of a sharp knife.

Super Glue:

If you thought there was going to be any careful reassembling of everything so it fit together nicely, then, boy, you do not know Handsome Paddy. We’re gonna be gluing this shit back together when we’re done and you're gonna like it.

Crowbar:

This should be kept nearby during any jewelry-based endeavour just in case the whole project goes to fuck all and you need to take out your rage and destry the evidence. I speak from experience.

Mother. Fuckers.

Step One:

First of all, if you purchased the watch new and it has a shiny finish, it should have a protective film over the front to prevent it from being scratched in the store. Leave this on for now just in case.

Now, the seal on the back case of the watch should have a small slot, highlighted below:

This is on all watches for exactly this purpose; so that the inside of the watch can be accessed to change the battery. Usually a jeweler would do this with the utmost care and delicacy. We’ll be jamming a screwdriver in there and disemboweling the fucker.

Step Two:

Insert the screwdriver in the slot on the back of the watch. You just need to get it in there enough to pry it open, which shouldn’t take much force.

The back of the watch should now pop off with a just a little tension.

Step Three:

This is what the inside of my watch looked like, because it’s a cheap piece of Chinese sweatshop shit. The inside of your watch may vary.

After I popped out what I assume to be some sort of plastic buffer, you can more clearly see the complex inner workings of the watch. Within this small space is a complex ballet of machinery, largely unchanged since the advent of the motor car and perfect to every detail. These pieces are all completely useless to us in this project.

Using the smaller screwdriver you’ll have to remove each screw one by one to remove various arms and levers that operate the intricate and, again for our purposes, completely useless inner workings.

Once you’ve removed all the inner workings this is what you should be left with. Note the broken plastic pieces to the far right. I couldn’t figure out any way to get them out in one piece so I snapped them into smaller pieces with needle nose pliers until they came out. Don’t you judge me.

At this point you should be left with the shell of your watch, including a pin extending about halfway inside, originating from the crown of the watch which is normally used for setting the time and, more importantly for us, has the button that releases the front cover.

Note that at this point the glass cover of the watch face is still attached. Note also that immediately after taking this photo I accidentally poked myself in the eye.

After suffering a grievous ocular injury of your own, you can now remove the glass cover.

Step Four:

A gentle twist and pull should remove the crown and stabby-bit, which you should then be able to snap off from the crown and cast into the Depths of Hell where the sharp little fucker belongs.

Step Five:

Now you want to carefully apply glue JUST to where the crown itself sits. The crown is the part that you normally turn to set the time on the watch, so for our purposes it’s the safest thing to glue in place. Make sure you only put glue where it will touch the crown itself. If you get glue on the button or the shaft of the crown the latch on the front cover won’t operate properly and you’ll have to remove the whole thing, clean all the glue off and try again.

Step Six:


Now slide the crown into place, twisting it a few times to ensure even distribution of glue, and leave to set.

Waiting for the glue to set is always the most boring part of any project. Luckily, if you’re using the right kind of glue in a poorly-ventilated area this time should pass quite quickly.

There it is.

Woooooaaaaaahhhhh.

Ohh, the colors!

…And we’re back!

Once you’ve regained your faculties and located your pants (mine were in the freezer), enough time should have passed that you can now check to see if the glue has set.

Step Seven:

Ideally the crown should be firmly in place and pressing down on the button should release the latch, opening the watch. The latch itself may stick in the open position at first, but you can click it back into place with your thumbnail to close the cover and after regular use this should no longer be a problem. If the release button itself sticks, or doesn’t move at all, then you done fucked up. You’ll have to place some kind of cloth over the crown and give it a strong twist with a pair of pliers to break the glue’s seal and remove the whole crown assembly, sand off all the glue and repeat from Step Five.

Step Eight:

You can now replace the back cover of the watch and remove the protective film from the front.

Congratulations!

Your watch/discreet pill case is now complete.

Carry it with you proudly and if anybody asks you what time it is just tell them:

It’s time to trip balls!